Go beyond the Game of Doer and Done To and become Whole Together

Give your relationship a chance to last by avoiding this one trap.

Need to Know

We grow up learning how to navigate relationships — with parents, friends, teachers, and later, romantic partners. But what many of us don’t realize is how deeply power and recognition play into every interaction. Why do we sometimes feel invisible in our friendships? Why do we react so strongly to being told what to do? And why is it so hard to truly understand — and be understood by — another person?

For religiously minded young people, these questions matter not just psychologically, but spiritually. Many faith traditions speak of love, justice, humility, and compassion. But how do these values play out when power is unevenly distributed? How do we remain true to our faith when we’re caught between being the “doer” — the one in control — and the “done to” — the one who feels acted upon, misunderstood, or diminished?

To answer these questions, we turn to thinkers like Jessica Benjamin, a psychoanalyst and feminist philosopher, and Erich Fromm, a humanistic psychologist. Their insights can help us understand not only the struggles we face in our relationships, but also how to transform them — and ourselves — in the process.

What to Do

Understanding power dynamics in relationships begins with self-awareness. Jessica Benjamin describes the “doer/done to” dynamic as a trap: one person acts, and the other reacts, without mutual recognition. It’s a cycle where both people can feel powerless in different ways — the one acting may feel isolated, and the one being acted upon may feel erased.

But Benjamin also believes there’s a way out: mutual recognition. This is the moment when two people see each other as real, feeling, thinking subjects. Not just as roles — friend, sibling, child, leader — but as persons.

To begin cultivating mutual recognition:

1. Pause and Reflect: Before reacting to someone’s words or actions, ask yourself: What might they be feeling right now? What do I want them to understand about me?
2. Speak from Your Subjectivity: Instead of accusing (“You never listen!”), try sharing your experience (“I feel unheard when I talk and don’t get a response.”)
3. Honor the Other’s Reality: Even if you disagree, recognize that the other person’s feelings are real. This doesn’t mean you’re wrong — it means you’re choosing to relate with empathy.
4. Avoid the Power Trap: In moments of conflict, it’s tempting to try to win. But real connection happens when we step out of the win/lose mentality and into shared understanding.

Fromm adds another layer. He warns against relationships based on “having” — controlling, possessing, demanding — and urges us to seek relationships based on “being” — sharing, experiencing, and growing. Love, Fromm says, is an act of will. It’s not just a feeling; it’s a commitment to the flourishing of another.

So, what to do?

• Move from reaction to reflection.
• Practice curiosity instead of control.
• Choose being-with over having-over.

These practices aren’t just psychological tools — they’re spiritual disciplines. They reflect the call to love one another as we are loved: freely, honestly, and without domination.

6 Key Points

• Power Dynamics Are Everywhere: Even in the most caring relationships, subtle hierarchies can form. Awareness is the first step to breaking cycles of domination or submission.
• The Doer/Done To Dynamic Is a Trap: When one person always acts and the other always reacts, both suffer. True relationships require mutual recognition.
• Mutual Recognition Is Healing: According to Jessica Benjamin, recognizing the other as a full subject — not just a role or an object — is the foundation of true connection.
• Agency Means Choosing Connection: You are not powerless. You can choose to respond rather than react. You can choose love over control.
• Fromm’s Love as an Act of Will: Real love isn’t just a feeling — it’s a practice. It means choosing to support the growth of another person without trying to possess or dominate them.
• Intersubjectivity Is a Spiritual Practice: Seeing and being seen, knowing and being known — these are sacred acts. They reflect the divine image in each person.

Learn More

Imagine this: a friend constantly makes decisions for the group without asking for your input. You start feeling frustrated, maybe even resentful. You’re stuck in a doer/done to loop. What would it take to break it?

First, recognize your own experience: I feel unseen. Then, recognize theirs: Maybe they’re afraid things won’t get done unless they take charge. From here, a conversation can begin: “I value your leadership, but I’d love if we could make decisions together. It helps me feel like I belong.”

Or take another scenario: your parents set strict rules about your behavior, but you feel misunderstood. You can either rebel — and fall into the power struggle — or you can begin a respectful dialogue: “I know you’re trying to protect me. Can we talk about how I’m growing and what I need to feel trusted?”

These conversations are hard. But they’re holy. They ask us to speak the truth in love, to see ourselves and others with compassion, and to co-create relationships rooted in dignity.

You’ll also encounter these dynamics in romantic or dating relationships. One partner might dominate the emotional tone, or control decisions. Healthy relationships require ongoing dialogue, a commitment to each other’s autonomy, and a willingness to revisit assumptions.

In religious life too — whether in youth groups, church hierarchies, or faith-based schools — power plays a role. A teacher or leader might mean well but unintentionally silence young voices. Mutual recognition here means asking: How can adults and youth listen to each other better? How can spiritual communities model equity and inclusion in relationships?

Links & Books

Books & Essays

• The Bonds of Love by Jessica Benjamin – A deep dive into how domination and submission affect intimate relationships.
• The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm – A classic text exploring what real love looks like beyond romantic clichés.
• I and Thou by Martin Buber – A powerful vision of human relationships as sacred encounters.
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg – Practical tools for empathetic, conscious dialogue.
• Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer – A theological look at Christian community and mutual recognition.

Scripture & Spiritual Readings

• John 15:12-15 – “I no longer call you servants… I have called you friends.”
• Philippians 2:3-4 – “In humility value others above yourselves…”
• Micah 6:8 – “Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.”

Explore Online

• Psyche.co – Essays on psychology, philosophy, and the art of living.
• On Being – Conversations on meaning, faith, and connection.
• The School of Life – Tools for emotional intelligence and relational growth.

Still curious?

If you would like to know even more about the topic of this post, I suggest running intelligent prompts in a few leading Generative AI chatbots (ChatGPT, Claude, Perplexity, Llama, xAI, Copilot, etc.).

You may also visit Aeon, a magazine of quality essays that helps curious folks make sense of themselves and the world at https://aeon.co. Search the site’s content via a category, tag, or phrase reflecting your interest.

You may also visit themarginalian, an online magazine by Maria Popova. Her work on the site is known for its lyrical close readings and personal reflections on a wide range of topics, from science and philosophy to poetry and children’s literature.