Need to Know

As a teenager growing into adulthood, you’re probably navigating a confusing world of feelings, attractions, expectations, and questions about love and sex. What does it really mean to love someone? Is sexuality just about pleasure, or does it have something deeper to do with our souls? And if you’re someone who wants to grow spiritually, how do you hold all of these intense emotions in a way that honors both your body and your beliefs?

Our culture throws a lot at us—images of passionate love, warnings about lust, mixed messages about purity, freedom, commitment, and identity. The result? Many young people feel torn between wanting connection and being afraid of getting hurt or losing themselves. It’s easy to feel like love is either a fairytale or a trap.

But what if love—and even sexuality—could be something sacred? Not just in the religious sense, but in the sense that it connects us to something larger than ourselves: to presence, purpose, and even the divine.

This essay invites you on a journey that blends ancient spiritual wisdom with modern psychology. From the tantric traditions of India to the writings of Erich Fromm, Stephen Mitchell, and Esther Perel, we’ll explore what true love and sexuality might look like when approached with curiosity, reverence, and courage.

In the tantric view, sexuality is not separate from the spiritual path—it’s one of the ways we can learn to be fully present, fully alive. It’s not about indulgence or repression, but about awakening. True intimacy begins not in the bedroom, but in the soul—in the willingness to be vulnerable, attentive, and open to the mystery of another human being.

Erich Fromm, a social psychologist and philosopher, argued in The Art of Loving that love is not just a feeling we fall into, but an art we must learn. Like playing an instrument or painting a picture, real love takes time, discipline, and deep self-knowledge. It’s not just about how we feel, but how we choose to act, again and again, in service of another’s well-being.

Stephen A. Mitchell, in Can Love Last?, points out that desire thrives on mystery. When love becomes routine or overly predictable, passion often fades. The challenge of long-lasting love is learning to keep seeing your partner with fresh eyes—to let them be new, surprising, and unknowable, even as you grow closer.

Esther Perel builds on this by showing how closeness and erotic energy often pull in opposite directions. In Mating in Captivity, she explores how modern couples often struggle to keep sexual connection alive because they confuse love with ownership. True desire, she suggests, needs freedom and imagination—it flourishes when we allow room for distance, discovery, and play.

So what does this all mean for you? It means that love and sexuality are not just private matters—they’re spiritual practices. They are ways of learning to love yourself, honor others, and become more fully human. Whether or not you’re in a relationship, you can begin preparing for love by becoming someone capable of loving well.

What to Do

So how do you actually grow into someone who can love well and experience sexuality in a sacred, meaningful way? The good news is: you don’t have to wait for a perfect relationship to begin. You can start right now—with how you relate to yourself, how you view others, and how you make choices that align with who you want to become.

Let’s explore some guiding principles.

👉Cultivate self-awareness and emotional honesty

Love begins within. If you don’t know what’s happening inside your heart—your fears, your desires, your hopes—it’s hard to connect authentically with another person. One of the core practices in both psychology and tantric spirituality is presence: the ability to pay attention, without judgment, to what’s really going on inside.

When you feel attracted to someone, pause. Don’t just react—get curious. What is it that draws you in? Is it how they make you feel about yourself? Is it a desire for closeness? A fear of loneliness? A hunger for validation?

Tantric teachings invite us to become intimate not only with another person but with our own inner life. This is where true love starts—not as a search for someone to complete you, but as a journey to wholeness that you can share with another.

👉Understand the difference between infatuation, desire, and love

Infatuation is thrilling—but it’s not the same as love. It’s often based on fantasy, projection, or an idealized version of who someone seems to be. That kind of chemistry can be fun, but it doesn’t last.

Desire is powerful—and it’s not wrong. But desire alone doesn’t build a relationship. It’s a spark, not a structure. Love, on the other hand, is a decision to see, honor, and care for another person—not for who they could be, but for who they really are.

Erich Fromm reminds us that love is a skill. You practice it by being patient when someone is annoying. By listening when you’d rather talk. By choosing kindness when you’re frustrated. Love grows slowly, like a tree, not instantly like fireworks.

👉Treat sexuality as something sacred—not something to fear or exploit

In many spiritual traditions, sexuality is grossly mistreated as dangerous and dirty or idealized and chased after as ultimate. Tantra offers a third way: to see sexual energy as a gift, a creative force that can either uplift or diminish, depending on how it’s used.

Tantra doesn’t shame desire—it seeks to purify it. That means shifting from “what can I get from this person?” to “how can we share something meaningful, elemental, and beautiful?” It’s not about suppression or prize, but transformation.

That might mean setting healthy or eliminating unhealthy boundaries. Or choosing not to engage sexually until a relationship has deep trust. Or learning how to stay connected to your body without being ruled by impulse.

You don’t need to be perfect. But when you treat sexuality as part of your spiritual path, every choice becomes an opportunity to align with your best aspirations.

👉Embrace the tension between closeness and mystery

Stephen A. Mitchell and Esther Perel both emphasize that desire needs space. Paradoxically, when we become too close, too fused with one another, we can start to lose the spark that first brought us together.

This is especially important for young people who tend to “merge” quickly in relationships. You might want to spend all your time with the person you like, text them constantly, or feel anxious if you’re not connected 24/7.

But love that lasts allows for mystery. It honors the other person as a separate being with their own inner life. It creates space for surprise, for growth, for individuality. It allows you to stay curious—because you know that the person you love is not yours to own, but a soul to encounter again and again.

That takes maturity. And practice. And faith.

👉Take your time—and let love reveal itself slowly

You are still becoming. Your brain, your heart, your spirit are all in motion. There’s no rush to figure everything out. In fact, most of the mistakes people make in relationships come from rushing—into romance, into sex, into commitment—without the foundation of trust and self-awareness.

Love is not something you “fall” into or “fall” out of. It’s something you grow into. With each friendship, each romance, each moment of honesty, each time you choose integrity over impulse, you are becoming more capable of true love.

👉Turn your romantic or amorous longing into spiritual growth

One of the most beautiful things about being a young adult is that you feel everything so deeply. That aching longing for connection—that craving to be seen, desired, cherished—it’s real. But it’s not just about another person. That longing can also be a doorway to the divine.

In mystical traditions, including tantra and Christian mysticism, romantic or amorous longing is often seen as a mirror of divine longing—the soul’s desire to return to its source. When you feel that ache for love, don’t just rush to fill it. Let it lead you inward. Ask what it’s trying to teach you.

This doesn’t mean you have to become a monk or nun. It means that even in your search for love, you can also be searching for value, for meaning, for the sacred. That makes your journey not just romantic—but holy.

8 Key Points

1. Love is not just a feeling—it’s an art.
As Erich Fromm teaches, true love requires practice, maturity, and deep self-knowledge. It’s not about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person.

2. Sexuality can be sacred.
In tantric philosophy, sexual energy is not something to suppress or indulge but to refine. When approached with intention, reverence, and mutual care, it becomes a path of spiritual connection.

3. Desire needs space.
As Stephen Mitchell and Esther Perel emphasize, long-lasting desire grows when we allow room for mystery, freedom, and individuality within relationships.

4. Intimacy starts with self-awareness.
Knowing your own fears, hopes, and desires is the foundation for any authentic relationship. Emotional literacy is as important as romantic chemistry.

5. There is a difference between attraction and love.
Infatuation can be intense, but love is enduring. Real love isn’t just passion—it’s the choice to care, to enchant and to surrender, again and again.

6. Taking things slowly is a sign of strength, not fear.
You don’t need to rush into romantic or sexual relationships. Let trust and friendship grow first, and allow love to unfold naturally.

7. Romantic longing can awaken spiritual desire.
The ache you feel for closeness or connection may also be pointing you toward your deeper purpose—to love more fully, live more truthfully, and encounter the divine.

8. Your choices matter.
Every time you choose patience over impulse, respect over control, or truth over pretense, you’re training your heart for real love.

Learn More

To go deeper, consider spending time reflecting on the following questions or practices. You can journal about them, discuss them with a trusted friend or mentor, or simply sit with them in quiet reflection.

Reflection Questions:

When have I confused infatuation with love? What helped me see the difference?

In what ways do I tend to lose myself in relationships—or avoid them out of fear?

What would it mean for me to treat my sexuality as something sacred?

How do I experience the tension between closeness and freedom in my relationships?

What does my longing for love say about my deeper spiritual needs?

Spiritual Practices:

Presence meditation:
Sit quietly and notice your breath, your body, and your emotions without judgment. This helps train the kind of attention that love requires.

Gratitude journaling:
Each night, write down three moments of connection, kindness, or insight from your day. Gratitude strengthens your heart’s capacity for love.

Loving-kindness practice:
Mentally offer phrases of blessing to yourself, then to someone you love, then to someone neutral, and finally to someone you struggle with. (“May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be free.”)

Relationship fasting:
If you find yourself compulsively dating or hooking up to avoid loneliness, try taking a break from romantic involvement for a set time. Use that space to reconnect with yourself and your values.

Sacred reading:
Choose a passage from a spiritual text—like the Bhagavad Gita, the New Testament, the Divine Principles, the Song of Songs, or a quote from The Way of Tradition—and read it slowly, as if it were a love letter to your soul.

Links & Books

Still curious?

If you would like to know even more about the topic of this post, I suggest running intelligent prompts in a few leading Generative AI chatbots (ChatGPT, Claude, Perplexity, Llama, xAI, Copilot, etc.).

You may also visit Aeon, a magazine of quality essays that helps curious folks make sense of themselves and the world, and Psyche, a magazine with a psychological focus, at https://aeon.co and https://psyche.co, respectively. Search the sites’ content via a category, tag, or phrase reflecting your interest.

Here is a good essay regarding love…

https://psyche.co/ideas/its-possible-to-become-wiser-in-who-you-entrust-with-your-love

There is always Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_love

Books:

The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm – A classic guide to love as a discipline and spiritual practice.

Can Love Last? by Stephen A. Mitchell – An exploration of the psychological roots of desire and why lasting love is so elusive—and possible.

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel – A provocative and compassionate book on how to keep desire alive in long-term relationships.

The Double Flame by Octavio Paz – An exploration of the intimate connection between sex, eroticism, and love.

Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas – A modern introduction to tantric ideas that are inclusive, spiritual, and practical.

All About Love by bell hooks – A powerful book on the ethics of love, combining spirituality, psychology, and cultural critique.

The Radiance Sutras translated by Lorin Roche – A poetic and accessible version of a classic tantric text that celebrates sacred sensuality.

The Way to Love by Anthony de Mello – Short meditations on spiritual love and inner freedom from a Jesuit mystic.

Videos and Talks:

Esther Perel’s TED Talks: The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship and Rethinking Infidelity

“What Is Love?” – Animated video based on Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving

“Sacred Sexuality” – Various lectures from tantra teachers on YouTube (choose with discernment)

Websites:

TrueLove.Singles: Reflections on the nature of love.

Psyche.co: Explore essays on love, psychology, and the soul.

On Being: Krista Tippett’s podcast features conversations on spirituality, intimacy, and the art of living.

The School of Life: Philosophical and psychological resources for growing into love and wisdom.